Te veo tan amargada/agrandada....
It is weird how a sentece can make you think over your life.This guy changed his nick to something similar to: I see you so frustrated, always showing of your histeria and that is why you are always in misery..kinda, it was a little ruder, but that was more or less what the nick was about.
Again, I felt that the way I got pissed off two days ago was not justified, that nothing can justify to close myself to talking to other people. But then, I deserve to be able to express myself too. How do I get to a commitmet? to a point where I am happy and people is happy with the attention I give to them?. I don't know.
Here is how I justify these periodical explosions of anger that I do have.
1. I am obviously frustrated with my life. I don't think I do enought at work, I don't give my best neither at work or at home.
2. Obviously I am not good at social relationships, I have never been, and will never be no matter how hard I try.
3. But I don't think I am in misery, I still have my close friends...the ones I always had, the ones that never leave...I might come across as a jerk, but whoever knows me, knows I am very, very sensitive and am easily hurt.
4. I hate hurting people, I do, and I take everything before hurting anyone. But then, don't I deserve to be at least a little happy? How long, how much do I have to take so they consider me a good person? Yet, everytime I try to be self-confident and honest with myself about what I want from life, they make me feel as I am doing something terrible. Don't I derserve to be happy?
5. I am not perfect, and you would say..that is ok, nobody really is..but again, I always wanted to, and somehow, I still think I can achieve it, I just need to know what perfect means. I don't really know what I want from life so I can focus on achieving it. If I crave money, I feel too ambiotious, if I crave passion, then I feel too obsessed with sex, if I crave love, I feel I am fool and childish..so nothing I could want will make me feel good.
6. If I am honest, then I am stacked up, if I am not, then I am too sweet and foolish...
I really don't know what people wants out of me, and I never seem to fullfill anyone's expectation, and I am really, really frustrated, and then, sometimes, just sometimes, my frustration turns into anger and then anger into just explosion. Of course it lasts just for a couple of minutes, but enough so they say I am crazy...
Nighty...
Natalia
